1. |
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I’ve been watching your behaviour
And I think you’re in the mood
So if you’re lonely, well I’m here to save ya
Let’s get out of here and get us a room
Let’s make love like animals
I think you know what I’m talking about
Let’s make love exactly like other animals
Get your zoology textbook out
Lets make love like rabbits, a hundred times a week,
Let’s make love like hedgehogs – you know – carefully
Let’s make love like salmon living in fresh water
You leave it in the bath I’ll come and pick it up later
Let’s make love like animals - like dogs, doggiestyle
It’s been happening since the stone age - like cats – also doggiestyle
Let’s make love exactly like other animals - but mostly like dogs
Open up that Wikipedia page
Let’s make love like Angler Fish, yeah
It’s kind of complicated but it’s worth it
You use your highly developed olfactory sense to swim towards me for several days
And then you bite me
That releases an enzyme that then dissolved your skin & your flesh & your… fins…
Leaving only a pair of genitals attached to the side of my body
For me to use
When it’s convenient.
I’ve been waiting to find someone so animalistic
Misunderstood just because I like badgers and whippets
And seagulls and snails, who incidentally fire love darts
Well I’ve brought some chocolates
If you like them I’ll dance like a squid
Or croon like a humpback whale
Let’s make passionate love, a beast with two tails
Or a porcupine – I’ll spray you with wee and if you don’t scream we’ll get to it
Actually, skip that one, let’s not do it
Let’s get it on like pygmy chimpanzees
You know – constantly
Not rest until we’ve done some things that even seem odd to me
I am the man to put the “ooh” in “zoology”
You can be my queen I’m the drone in our colony
But let’s leave the metaphor there because as everybody knows
When a gentleman bee is done his genitals explode
Oh no, I’ve said too much, now I’m alone, confused, waiting
Like a self-cloning lizard, too much pseudo-copulation
Let’s make love like animals, yeah - like squirrels in heat
It’s like a biology GCSE – but sexy - I’ve done my naughty coursework
I know what will get you in the mood to love like an animal - yes?
I’ll get out my David Attenborough DVDs, yeah - mmmm, David
So we’re sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea - oh, god yes
This is not getting us anywhere
I’ve never seen a praying mantis in HD
God, did you see what she did afterwards, she ripped his head off and ate it! Dear god…
Do you wanna?
No
No
No
I guess we’ll end up being the same animals we’ve always been.
Pandas.
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2. |
Erwin's Other Animals
02:20
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Erwin Schrodinger, physicist and lover
Famous for imagining a half dead cat
This cat was in his mind, but he left a trail behind
Of all the other animals that he got at…
Young Erwin took his sister’s hamster and he put it in a box
(yes he did, in the name of science)
He taped it up carefully and wrote “schrodinger’s hamster” on the top
(you can probably see where this is going already)
He tiptoed out of their front door
And threw it off the 18th floor
Now we won’t let little Erwin near the cat
Erwin took his school’s white mice and put them in a ziplock bag
(or the late 19th century German equivalent – das ziplock bag?)
Hid them in the canteen freezer, behind the Turkey Twizzler packs
(Ah – if only they’d had Jamie Oliver back then to sort them out)
He came back for them at half past five
But they’d already been served up in a pie
We won’t let little Erwin near the cat
Despairing Mrs Schrodinger took our little Erwin to the zoo
(It seemed like such a good idea at the time)
To shake him out of this mammalicidal phase he’s going through
(She genuinely thought it was going to help)
But with poison pellets in his pants
The zebras never stood a chance
Now we won’t let little Erwin near the cat
Now you know his evil ways
Would you still give him a Nobel Prize?
Erwin Rudolf Schrodinger
Serial pet murderer
If you see him near a stray dog
Call the RSPCA but
Don’t let little Erwin near the cat
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3. |
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This time last year
At the laboratory Christmas party, down the Wetherspoons
I gave you my heart
But it’s not like that song by Wham, no ma’am, I promise
You could have given it away, the very next day and
I wouldn’t mind
You could have sneaked into my chest, made a cardiac arrest and
That would be fine
Well, it’s been a year
And I’m still working here, even though I said I wouldn’t be and
My crush on you is crushing me and
Like the coke machine in the canteen, I’m empty inside
Last week I asked to borrow a test tube
Just to feel your hand in mine
Tonight I’ll stop this charade, ask you to dance with me to Slade
And hope you’ll say… “Fine”
Last year I said “Hi, my name’s Geoff”
You said “Hi, my name’s Monica” and
I said “Hi” again and pretended like I didn’t already know your name
But I did
You didn’t have to pretend because you genuinely didn’t know my name and
I tried to impress you by giving you my drink tokens and
You used your drink tokens to buy yourself double vodkas
Then you used my drink tokens to buy yourself double vodkas and then
At 1am we tried to leave and
You threw up in the corner of the car park
You said it was cool to share a taxi home but when I tried to get in your friend Sue said there wasn’t enough room but there was definitely one seat next to you
But Sue works in protein folding so I suppose she knows about that sort of thing
You nodded at me as the taxi drove off
Although you might just have been nodding generally because you were losing consciousness at that point
That’s the thing I like about you, Monica
You’re so dignified
Now the party’s here
We’re standing with our beers by the pool table, and you’re holding hands with our supervisor Steve even though your facebook status says you’re single
Why does the internet always lie?
You’ve been given a promotion
You don’t want my drink token
I think my heart is broken
I wish I had never spoken to you
At last year’s laboratory Christmas party
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