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Helen Arney at Geek Pop

by Helen Arney

/
1.
I’ve been watching your behaviour And I think you’re in the mood So if you’re lonely, well I’m here to save ya Let’s get out of here and get us a room Let’s make love like animals I think you know what I’m talking about Let’s make love exactly like other animals Get your zoology textbook out Lets make love like rabbits, a hundred times a week, Let’s make love like hedgehogs – you know – carefully Let’s make love like salmon living in fresh water You leave it in the bath I’ll come and pick it up later Let’s make love like animals - like dogs, doggiestyle It’s been happening since the stone age - like cats – also doggiestyle Let’s make love exactly like other animals - but mostly like dogs Open up that Wikipedia page Let’s make love like Angler Fish, yeah It’s kind of complicated but it’s worth it You use your highly developed olfactory sense to swim towards me for several days And then you bite me That releases an enzyme that then dissolved your skin & your flesh & your… fins… Leaving only a pair of genitals attached to the side of my body For me to use When it’s convenient. I’ve been waiting to find someone so animalistic Misunderstood just because I like badgers and whippets And seagulls and snails, who incidentally fire love darts Well I’ve brought some chocolates If you like them I’ll dance like a squid Or croon like a humpback whale Let’s make passionate love, a beast with two tails Or a porcupine – I’ll spray you with wee and if you don’t scream we’ll get to it Actually, skip that one, let’s not do it Let’s get it on like pygmy chimpanzees You know – constantly Not rest until we’ve done some things that even seem odd to me I am the man to put the “ooh” in “zoology” You can be my queen I’m the drone in our colony But let’s leave the metaphor there because as everybody knows When a gentleman bee is done his genitals explode Oh no, I’ve said too much, now I’m alone, confused, waiting Like a self-cloning lizard, too much pseudo-copulation Let’s make love like animals, yeah - like squirrels in heat It’s like a biology GCSE – but sexy - I’ve done my naughty coursework I know what will get you in the mood to love like an animal - yes? I’ll get out my David Attenborough DVDs, yeah - mmmm, David So we’re sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea - oh, god yes This is not getting us anywhere I’ve never seen a praying mantis in HD God, did you see what she did afterwards, she ripped his head off and ate it! Dear god… Do you wanna? No No No I guess we’ll end up being the same animals we’ve always been. Pandas.
2.
Erwin Schrodinger, physicist and lover Famous for imagining a half dead cat This cat was in his mind, but he left a trail behind Of all the other animals that he got at… Young Erwin took his sister’s hamster and he put it in a box (yes he did, in the name of science) He taped it up carefully and wrote “schrodinger’s hamster” on the top (you can probably see where this is going already) He tiptoed out of their front door And threw it off the 18th floor Now we won’t let little Erwin near the cat Erwin took his school’s white mice and put them in a ziplock bag (or the late 19th century German equivalent – das ziplock bag?) Hid them in the canteen freezer, behind the Turkey Twizzler packs (Ah – if only they’d had Jamie Oliver back then to sort them out) He came back for them at half past five But they’d already been served up in a pie We won’t let little Erwin near the cat Despairing Mrs Schrodinger took our little Erwin to the zoo (It seemed like such a good idea at the time) To shake him out of this mammalicidal phase he’s going through (She genuinely thought it was going to help) But with poison pellets in his pants The zebras never stood a chance Now we won’t let little Erwin near the cat Now you know his evil ways Would you still give him a Nobel Prize? Erwin Rudolf Schrodinger Serial pet murderer If you see him near a stray dog Call the RSPCA but Don’t let little Erwin near the cat
3.
This time last year At the laboratory Christmas party, down the Wetherspoons I gave you my heart But it’s not like that song by Wham, no ma’am, I promise You could have given it away, the very next day and I wouldn’t mind You could have sneaked into my chest, made a cardiac arrest and That would be fine Well, it’s been a year And I’m still working here, even though I said I wouldn’t be and My crush on you is crushing me and Like the coke machine in the canteen, I’m empty inside Last week I asked to borrow a test tube Just to feel your hand in mine Tonight I’ll stop this charade, ask you to dance with me to Slade And hope you’ll say… “Fine” Last year I said “Hi, my name’s Geoff” You said “Hi, my name’s Monica” and I said “Hi” again and pretended like I didn’t already know your name But I did You didn’t have to pretend because you genuinely didn’t know my name and I tried to impress you by giving you my drink tokens and You used your drink tokens to buy yourself double vodkas Then you used my drink tokens to buy yourself double vodkas and then At 1am we tried to leave and You threw up in the corner of the car park You said it was cool to share a taxi home but when I tried to get in your friend Sue said there wasn’t enough room but there was definitely one seat next to you But Sue works in protein folding so I suppose she knows about that sort of thing You nodded at me as the taxi drove off Although you might just have been nodding generally because you were losing consciousness at that point That’s the thing I like about you, Monica You’re so dignified Now the party’s here We’re standing with our beers by the pool table, and you’re holding hands with our supervisor Steve even though your facebook status says you’re single Why does the internet always lie? You’ve been given a promotion You don’t want my drink token I think my heart is broken I wish I had never spoken to you At last year’s laboratory Christmas party

about

*Available to download as part of the Geek Like Me EP. See geekpop.bandcamp.com/album/geek-like-me

This set is part of the Geek Pop 2011 festival at geekpop.co.uk

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released March 10, 2011

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Geek Pop Bristol, UK

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