1. |
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There's forty-four hundred thousand in this land, and I chose you
So we're not one in a million, dear, we're one in two point two
There are one point oh five strapping boys for every girl at birth
So I'm all the greater honoured that you're with me on this earth
I wait in hope most joyous till the day that we will wed,
Spend thirty thousand dollars, then retire to our bed
Where soon we'll hear the patter of four point two little feet
Then our happy three-and-fifty thousand dollar home's complete
Our love, it is no average thing
A mode of life so sweet
Our love is long, continuous
Too grand to be discreet
For love's a road together walked
On the median if you're wishin'
And love is never mean
When your love's a statistician
And every night I'll kiss you tenderly upon your cheek
Secure we'll all be clothed and fed on five-forty a week
We'll grow in love together, sharing all the joy and tears
And know we've got each other for forty-seven more years
Six Zero's my height
Seven Zero's my weight
I'll cash in my chips
At age Seventy-eight
But this thing that we share
Cannot be quantified
I love you so much
That it hurts me inside...
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2. |
The QI Bookshop of Life
04:20
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The QI Bookshop
On Turl Street in Oxford
Used to go about their trade
In a Quite Interesting way
They thought fiction and non-fiction
Was a meaningless distinction
And reorganised their stacks
In accordance with this fact
They didn't have a cookery section
But you'd find Delia, Nigella
And "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" too
On a shelf marked: "Omnivores"
An eclectic selection
Curated to perfection
In a minimum of space
For a polymath of taste
Persistently they would resist
The urge to turn all populist
Like other shops in town
They would never stock Dan Brown
They were the plucky independent
Taking on the might of Amazon
And Waterstones and Borders all in one
They closed down within the year
Fast-forward three years later
I was sorting through some clutter
While preparing to move home
To a flat just down the road
The new place, it was pretty small
With not much room to fit it all
And so my plans were based
Around creative use of storage space
All those trinkets and mementos
That I couldn't bear to throw away
Would stow away in the bottom kitchen drawer
Or underneath the bed
As I packed it into boxes
My mind started to wander
As I mentally attached
A snappy label to each batch
And soon it slowly dawned on me
I'd built a whole taxonomy
In which to organise
All the details of my life
Some notes I'd scribbled on a beermat
Filed under W for Whimsy
Or maybe T for Tableware instead
Or "Things they'll publish when I'm dead"
But you don't need a rolodex to realise your dreams
Don't let yourself be pigeonholed by someone else's schemes
For want of a catalogue, your memories won't fade
There is no Dewey number for the friendships that we've made
So throw away your index cards, cause nobody will mind
If you don't fit an archetype that's neat and well-defined
Dividing on a pie chart is no way to lead your life
As long as you keep living it, you're doing quite all right
The QI Bookshop
On Turl Street in Oxford
Used to go about their trade
In a Quite Interesting way
It's long been redeveloped now
But many still remember how
they rearranged their shelves
In a way they chose themselves
But whatever schemes they used
To enlighten and bemuse
The customers who wandered through their doors:
They'll never be as interesting as yours
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3. |
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We're two of a kind, you make me feel complete
But whatever I try only ends in defeat
I've tried a thousand ways to let you know
But I'll throw a double six and have one more go
Cause lately it's come to my attention
That I'm competing for your affections
I'm playing every token I've got to try to make a connection
(chorus)
But you just want to play games
With me
I wish you'd take me seriously
But you just want to play games
With me
Like Cluedo and Monopoly
I tell myself I'll reach you, whatever it takes
Climb every ladder while avoiding the snakes
But you just want to play games
We were up all night playing Twister
We played Hungry Hungry Hippos till my finger got a blister
But they're not the pleasures I'm looking for
I can say these words, but will they mean any more
If I spell them out on a triple word score?
(chorus)
There'll be no happily ever after
If I can only ever be your dungeon master
But you just want to play games
There's too many rules for me to remember
And you're making me fall apart like a tower of Jenga
You don't seem to notice, but I tell you it's true
Can't you see I'm head over heels for you?
One step closer and I'll be Buckaroo
Like a game of Operation you've stolen my heart
With those tweezers in your hand you've got it down to an art
You've kept me guessing, but I've got to know
Are we destined to never pass Go?
These trivial pursuits are not enough for me
I should have drawn the line at Pictionary
I'd walk away, but it's much too late
I'm caught in your mouse trap, there's no escape
Cause you just wanna play games
(chorus)
I guess I'll just accept that I've fallen madly
For the number one customer of Milton Bradley
Cause you just want to play games
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